1. I told my Dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried then hugged me.

2. I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes. I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

3. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

4. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. Iíll go on ahead.

5. What do you call a man with no arms or legs wading in a pool? Bob.

6. What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park your car, man.

7. Why did the skeleton hit the party solo? He had no body to go with him.

8. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

9. Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.

10. Why donít skeletons watch scary movies? They just donít have the guts.

11. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesnít jump at all.

12. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

13. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

14. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

15. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.

16. Anton, do you think Iím a bad mother? My name is Paul. 

17. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

18. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

19. A man with two left feet buys a pair of flip flips.

20. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

21. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

22. I thought Iíd tell you a good time travel joke Ė but you didn't like it.

23. Whatís the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.